Simple solutions to serious problems

UPDATED: took the troops part out (after all, people are dying over there) and replaced it with a section about George Bush needing a spanking...or something like that; changed the last paragraph.

A parody of this

Simple solutions to serious problems

Columnists know everything. See how I have all this space in the newspaper, you only get that if you know a lot more than everybody and are willing to insist your opinion on everyone. And frankly, I do know more than everybody and I’m more than willing to enlighten you. Therefore, I am going to let you know the simple solutions to all the problems currently plaguing society.

Gasoline is expensive, people! I don’t know if you’ve noticed – I personally haven’t since the red line is practically my second home– but apparently this is true. I don’t know why it’s expensive – because nobody knows. It’s a scientific mystery.

Anyway, the important thing to remember is that you can do something about it. In fact, there’s a lot of things you can do – siphoning gas from your neighbors’ tanks, for example. Furthermore, swiping the license plates of a vehicle of the same model as your own, and switching them before pulling into a gas station also works. This way you can speed out of the station without paying and someone else will be blamed. Just remember to take them off later. Highjacking a tanker and hiding it behind some bushes in your yard is also a good idea. With solutions like these, your money-crunching gas problems are over. You’re welcome. Next.

This troop withdrawal issue is sure getting out of hand. The Democrat-controlled Congress is basically giving the President until the count of three to clean up that mess he made - only he’s locked in his room with his hands over his ears. Who will win this titanic battle of the wills? If Congress wants to assert its authority, it has got to back up those demands with some action. This involves running interception between George Bush and all food. If he’s not going to listen, he can go to bed hungry. Furthermore, he is grounded – not allowed out to the ranch in Texas and no friends over to the House; this includes Cheney and Rove and Condoleeza Rice – until he has solved this whole Iraq problem. Then, if he’s good, he can have dessert.

Onto politics. The political landscape is rife with scandal, inadequacy, lies, inaction and tired rhetoric. My suggestion is to start listening to alternative music. You should probably start going to indie movie houses and wearing mismatched, quirky outfits bought at vintage stores. Moving to Wicker Park would probably help a lot too. Then you can discuss politics over expensive microbrews. Cause quite frankly, that’s just how problems get solved. Writing smart-alecky columns is probably most helpful though.

The news media is such a waste too. How can we possibly stop these talking heads from ruining the country with their impossibly obnoxious opinions? Boycott? Letter bombs? Stealing Tucker Carlson’s bowtie when he’s not looking? No, I’m afraid that none of these are permanent solutions (despite the giddy thrill of bowtie stealing). The only solution is a cage match to the death. Yes, take Bill O’Reilly, Anderson Cooper, Hannity, Colmes, Glenn Beck, even Nancy Grace, and throw them all in a giant wrestling cage, give them one weapon of choice and let ‘em go at it. The last commentator standing gets to be the official voice of the country. After all, he or she will have earned it with blood and sweat, and that’s hard to argue with.

There you have it. Four huge problems completely settled, solved, and put to rest. All because of me and this column. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the one true religion is Taoism. Another problem solved. Swoosh.