I -would- work in the factory where I was born, but I can't get a job there

Lately, I've been waking up at like three a.m. with ridiculous urges to eat cereal or go sit in the living room and stare at the light coming in the windows or, in the case of last night, puke. WTF? Anyway, it led to an unsettling night and so I woke up without ever really waking up.

Despite feeling like dish water, I got out of bed and checked my e-mails, which then made me feel like dish water circling the drain. First one from Roloff about internship workshops, another from the Career Center about the fast-approaching job fair, a third from the electric company (my bill is ready!) and finally one from my Online Journalism professor about our assignment. The last one requires a little explaining: a) it was an article Forbes ran calling Chicago the most stressful city in America using unscientific methodology and an arbitrary ranking system and b) that class gets under my skin. So I woke up groggy and was instantly bombarded with stress.

The Forbes article is perhaps the perfect example of how the impersonal (rising unemployement rate, sickening economy, the crumbling stock market) is getting increasingly personal. In this case, because fucking Forbes Magazine is saying your city sucks, but it got me thinking about my own life and how much has changed domestically since I started college. When I left home in 2004, my dad worked at "corporate" and made the most money he's ever made in his life, gas cost $2 a gallon, food was affordable and although the news industry was dwindling, it appeared relatively steady. In the past few months, my dad (along with 1,500 others at his company) was laid off and spent months unemployed, my family currently doesn't have health insurance and the news industry is rapidly changing and shedding hundreds of employees every year. So forgive me if I can't read yet another article about how much everything sucks right now. I can't pick up a newspaper or plug in an address and read about how the economy is tanking and my bills will be getting more expensive and the news industry is struggling. I can't do it, and -luckily- I don't have to. Cause I have my inbox.

Oh, also, I'm broke.

Maybe my body knew today wasn't worth waking up for. I'm going to go cuddle with my dog.

Larry for President

A change of species
With voters starting to feel jaded by the constant promises of change, one candidate offers real, biological change

CHICAGO--Lawrence "Larry" Roman Stoffel announced his official candidacy for president. Larry, or "Larold" as he is known to those who wish to combine his name with "Harold," decided he had seen enough of these candidates who offered realistic leadership qualities and policy ideas. In order to remedy the situation, "Mr. Bear" decided to run himself.

"I have seen enough of these candidates who are neither cute NOR cuddly," he said in a press conference Wednesday. "I am the only candidate who exclusively offers both."

Larry will officially be running as a Democrat, because he feels McCain already has the Republican nomination locked up. "I offer no advantage over McCain," Larry said, "I can't lift my arms over my head either."

A typical day on the campaign trail for Larry includes going into the backyard to 'do his business,' then sliding around in excitement on the tile flooring, dancing a bit, eating dry food, sleeping on his owner's bed, sleeping on his owner's couch, sleeping on his own bed, prancing about the neighborhood, then eating again, going out again and finally sleeping again.

What led such an active dog to duty? "I just have really great campaign photos. That's all you need, really. Just take a look around you: what are your other options? A chick with a dykey haircut, a guy who looks like he's got acorns lodged in his mouth or another guy with the complexion of super weak Ovaltine milk. Gross." After stunned silence followed this comment at his press conference he added, "I'm just saying."

In fact, analysts are predicting that it won't matter what Larry says, because he's just that cute. "He could call Hillary a dyke and make fun of McCain's melanoma and nobody really cares," an anonymous attendee said. "Come on, look at him! Have you seen him dance? Jesus, it's heart-warming. When was the last time a president was heart-warming? Presidents make my heart feel cold."

Despite Larry's overwhelming cuteness, fluffiness and adorableness factors, his campaign must overcome two major problems. "At first I was afraid I didn't have the balls to run," he said," but then I realized I don't have balls at all." However, this may help him with the key female vote. Females also lack balls.

Also, Larry is incapable of talking. All he can do is bark at his fellow canine constituents, who are predicted to come to the polls in record numbers (in previous years their voting total was zero), and through unofficial campaign spokesperson, Matt Monahan, who is currently the only person to get Larry to growl so far. Other than that, he occasionally howls at his owner, Michelle Stoffel, for attention. "Watch out America," she said. "He may howl at you, too."

Although America could not be reached for comment, most people report that they don't mind being howled at, because the howling is just so damn adorable.

Here are several photos, which Larry believes will convince voters that "politics are stupid; so vote for a cute dog." He hopes that pictures will be included on the ballot in November, so "really stupid voters will come out and just vote for the best-looking thing they see. And that will be me," Larry said.


Larry's official campaign photo. He looks both pensive and really cute as he stares resolutely over Lake Michigan in his hometown of Chicago, Ill.

















"I will clean up the mess our country is in," Larry said. "Just like I cleaned up the mess here. One thing at a time. That flannel shirt is seriously exactly the same as health care."
















Larry delivers a moving speech, or he's yawning....yawning at the status quo. "My campaign represents change," he said. "There's no bigger change than a change of species in the White House. Fuck Patches or Checkers or Spot or any of those little twats. I'm where it's at."



















Larry hard at work lying down and looking like you wanna squeeze him.



















Larry looking jaunty on the campaign trail. "I'm really well-behaved too," Larry added. "Everyone can stand me, and most people love me."





















Larry's supporters gather at his campaign center on Kenmore Avenue in Chicago. "LAROLD!" said Michele Mancuso, top right, a long-time Larry-lover. "Even my supporters are adorable," Larry commented.


















Larry '08.

The sleeve begins...

Fuck. Seriously, is that not beautiful. This boy's amazing.

I included this shot just to show how swollen my arm got. My skin is such a baby.


Obviously, it was worth it.